Wednesday, August 17, 2005

BUGS! BUGS! BUGS! STOP BUGGING ME!

I was held like a prisoner in the foyer of my building this morning. Karen and I were going to the 7-11 at around 4:30 am to get some breakfast, when this creature, straight from the depths of hell, crossed our path. Those of you who know me, know that I have never been a big fan of spiders. This monstrosity that entered my life this morning was even bigger than the one pictured in The Good, Bad and Ugly. He was HUGE. I froze solid at the sight of him. My heart was pounding like a jackhammer as I forced myself to edge nearer to him. Some of you may be asking… “ Why would you edge nearer to such a fearful specimen?” That is a fair question, and I have to admit, in hindsight, it was a mistake. But, you see, I felt it had to die. It was a crime against nature. An apparition, an abomination if you will. It was my duty, nay… my destiny to destroy it. It was like Jonah and the Whale, on a smaller scale of course, but epic just the same.
Karen had run up to the apartment to grab something, when I got the idea to crush the mighty spider with a DVD box left discarded in the hall. It took every fiber of courage and intestinal fortitude I could muster to approach the beast. He had climbed a cylindrical pillar and was about shoulder level with me. My face was about a foot and a half from his as I swung a roundhouse right in to the pillar. The DVD box crashed against the cement with a booming thud, but with my adrenaline pumping at full bore and the sheer might used to crush the demonic thing, my aim was off and I collided with the pillar just above him.
The spider leaped off of the pillar, right at me. My heart stopped as the thing hit my chest. Any poise and grace was long forgotten as I slapped girlishly at my chest with the DVD box and leapt backwards. There are a lot of folks out there that would have thought the speed at which I was moving, impossible for such a large fellow, but it probably would have been hard to spot with the naked eye. I put about two meters between the spider and myself.
We stared each other down as my heart clanged in my eardrums.
“ Oh, It’s going to be like that?” I heard myself echo through the deserted hallway. “What are you gonna do now?” I asked him. With that, and I swear this is true, the spider came at me. I scrambled backward up the stairs as the spider advanced upon me. I banged in to Karen who was coming back down the stairs and let out a less than manly squeal. The speed of the thing was terrifying. With two human foes to face, the spider grew less aggressive and backed off slightly. Karen had armed herself with a mop of some kind and proceeded to chase the thing from our path.
Is there a moral to this story? No, not at all. Were we able to rid the planet of this horrifying monster? Again, no. We failed at our mission, and if I had to pick a winner of the battle I would grudgingly go with the spider on this one. Well, he might have won this time, but from what I am told about Taiwan, there will be another. I promise the death of that one.
Till next time,
Ed

3 comments:

Ed & Karen said...

Needless to say, Ed made a hasty retreat back into our apt, where he nestled himself snugly into our loveseat, tail positioned neatly between his legs, scarred for life, poor fella. We may never venture out after dusk again!
-K

madceltic said...

That is some scary shit. I think we have had the conversaion about my love of insects. This is not a ringing endoresment for me to come to Taiwan.

Jr.

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